twisted wishes

First topic message reminder :

This little game goes like this...someone says "I wish..." whatever.
The next person says, ,"Granted however,..." whatever and try to twist the wish using logic and loopholes.. then post a wish..

"I wish for a woman who loves me."
Go...

Granted, it is a twisted jester, a mime copying everything you do and a guy with a drum that goes "dradam" everytime you say something and you never again get laid.

I wish for a concience ...

Granted. Now you are the fool of vampiric society.
I wish for a new and good pc game...

Granted, however, the new and good politically correct game is "Diplomacy amoung life challenged individual who must derive substance from hemogloblin and go about in the nocturnal hours."

I wish for the ability to heal any disease.

Granted, but since the vaccine is a modified ultra-virus which is prone to mutate, the worlds population will turn into zombies 5 hours after first injection.

I wish for a nice picture for my wall...

Granted, however, it makes you immortal and is of you, but if it is destroyed you will age years in seconds and likely die.
(ala the Portrait of Dorian Grey.)

I wish to write a world renowned book which is very successful.

Granted, but since you ripped off Joanne K. Rowling all the money goes into the lawsuit.

I wish I would uncover a corruption scandal amongst politicians...

Granted however, they send K.G.B. agents to silence you.

I wish for the powers of the Greek Gods.

Granted, however due to impregnating so many women you have to pay lots of alimony now.

I wish for an armor worthy of a noble...

Granted, however, your golden armor covered sporadically in jewels, is very heavy and not very hard.

I wish for the power of telepathy.

Granted. You can never come close to another human being again, since their sick and dark desires make you puke whenever you read their minds.

I wish I could fly without help and without crashing...

Granted, however, you fly through the dark of space, on a trajectory where your final destination will be a star, which isn't solid, but will burn you eventually.

I wish for unlimited gas for my car over my lifetime.

Granted, but in your joy you crash another car so badly that your drivers licence is suspended for life.

I wish I was an expert at Karate...

Granted you now know everything there is to know about the subject ...

I wish I had a cool pool

Granted. Its minus 50 degree celsius.

I wish I'd know how the last answer was twisted...

Granted you now know that theory is when everyboy knows how something works but it dosen´t, practise is when everything works and nobody knows why and that you have combined theory and practise nothing works and nobody knows why ...

I wish the celler would unflood

Granted, however as the water leaves it's quickly replaced by a demon of Golgathan, you feel horrible terror.

I wish I could sleep more

Granted. Let us hope there will be a prince available to wake you after the first 100 years.

I wish for nice tasty cookies...

Granted but wanting the cockies so much you sleep with the ugliest old lady to get them and they leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth ...
I wish for luck in my next poker game

Granted, however it's bad luck.

I wish for a mansion tax free.

Granted but it needs serious reparation and you have to pay everything you own and take huge loans to even be able to live there ... and afterliving under this poor conditions you realise the place is haunted by angry ghosts terrorising you and from now on and untill the day you desperatley take your life on a mental insitution the ghosts will haunt you...

I wish I never had to sleep.

Granted, but it needed a complicated operation during which your brain was taken out of your head and placed in a (pink) box. Now your only way to communicate with the outer world are the easily misreadable electric pulses of your brain (which also explains the pink box).

I wish that all my stuff for the university would already be done...

Granted, but somebody else did it so you get absolutley no credit for the award-winning paperwork.

I wish I had a pirate ship.

Granted, but it is towed in a harbor of the crown and you are about to be hanged for piracy.

I wish I could also play on the weekend...

Granted however it's with local children at the park who play dodge ball with stones with you, then concerned parents call the authorities about the stranger at the park, then it's playing hide and seek with Bubba at prison.

I wish for a pet mountain lion.

Granted, you teach it to defend you and when you bring home a one night stand he believes you are attacted and kills the poor bastard and you end up in jail for the rest of your life and the lion is put down ...

I wish for books that I have lent to people to be returned.